"You can train a monkey to do a vasectomy"

My favorite quote--spoken by a doctor, no less--from a funny and well written piece by Buzz McClain in The Washington Post, "Snip and Tuck".

More (note that he had anesthesia and was knocked out for the surgery):

And what the . . . ? Who put me in a thong? I didn't have a thong when I came in here. Who's responsible for this?

Actually, it was an athletic supporter, and there was a leak-proof bag of ice on top of it. I lifted everything up a bit and saw my privates had been packed in cotton, like a bottle of wine ready for shipping.

Barter? Not a good idea.

Saw this on Craigslist:

Computer repair services for vasectomy
Date: 2005-07-28, 11:58PM PDT


Would like to trade personal computer hardware and software repair, upgrade, restore, and rebuild services for vasectomy procedure.

Once your computer is repaired I can make you a bootable CD or DVD to restore your system back to the day it was fixed.

Thanks for looking.

Have a great day.

Any doc who would barter surgery is not someone I would hire. I sincerely hope this was a joke.

This about sums it up

A concise description of the vasectomy procedure from "Brian", as quoted by his wife (hey guys, anything you say can and will be used in your wife's blog--in case you didn't already know).

You go in and they blah, blah, blah, they make a small incision, and then remove, burn, and clip the blah, blah, blah, and after 15 minutes you’re done.

Brian's wife goes on to describe the post-vasectomy obligation to flush out the pipes, so to speak, to clear any hangers-on out of the spermway. At In Mother Words.

The perfect Father's Day gift!

What does every father need? More kids! Or, no more kids! If the "more kids" answer raised your blood pressure momentarily, then you might want to ask your wife for a very special Father's Day gift: a ride to the vasectomy clinic.

She'll jump at the chance. It's an easy gift, it probably won't cost her anything (assuming you have insurance or a decent public health program), and it gives her something in return for allowing you to lay on your ass and doing nothing for a couple of days days, which you probably would have done anyway citing Father's Day privileges.

I can't take credit for the idea, though. Baseball guy Mike Veeck had the absolutely brilliant idea for a vasectomy giveaway at the Father's Day ballgame, but the local prudes "got snippy" and forced him to cancel.

Go ahead, ask her. What would you rather get? A box of condoms? A new tie? A radio-controlled flying bottle opener? Wait a minute, that might be pretty cool. But there's no way it exists. So go for the freedom.

Vasectomy poetry and lyrics

To some it's a sore subject, but to others it's inspiration. And to a few it's both sore and inspiring.

We'll start with a haiku by Carlos Alden (he's got a whole page of them).

Films, television
La-Z-Boy and frozen peas
A bizarre three days

Here's a "snippet" of a poem by Mary Brooks:

Snip and solder,
cauterize.
Appointment at 2:30.
Tomorrow.
And I say,
step up to the plate,
and bring me home big shooter.

Here's a slice of a song lyric by Thom Parrott:

There's just one thing I don't understand.
You say you haven't been with any other man,
But I had the tube cut from that gland,
So, honey, there ain't no way.

And another by Guns 'n Roses, believe it or not: "Get Into the Ring"

And when you're talkin' about a vasectomy
Yeah
I'll be writin' down your obituary
History

Finally, here are some songs you can listen to instead of just reading the lyrics:

• Ghosthouse - Vasectomy
• Bernard Wrigley - Vasectomy
• John Williamson - The Vasectomy Song (sounds like a Monty Python song!)

Next week: vasectomy-inspired embroidery

Roundup: Blogging about getting snipped

Came across some entertaining blog posts.

After the fact:
Ad Nauseum
Hello Brains!

Considering a vasectomy:
End of the Line
Joshua's Journal

Reaching for a celebrity

Here's a start for my quest to find celebrity vasectomies. At least he's a celebrity in Brazil.

Brazil's 1994 World Cup hero, Romario, 39, has become a father for the sixth time, though he could have further children after freezing sperm before a vasectomy.

By the way, freezing makes a lot of sense when you consider the cost--not covered by insurance--of vasectomy reversal along with the uncertainty of its success.

A clue that you're ready for a vasectomy

If your dream night out sounds like this:

After dinner we still had 2 hours until we had to relieve the babysitter so we walked around Borders. Alone. In Peace. And Quiet. I can’t explain how absolutely heavenly it was.

...then you're ready! From 32 Entropy Lane.